Q: I’m a pretty playful sub but there are times when I start to act bratty to get a response from my Dominant.
I don’t do it for attention, he’s very attentive to me. I do it more because I want that reminder that he will correct me and that feeling of his power and that he is in charge. His approach is a ‘positive soft approach’ to training me and moulding me into his ideal.
However, I’m left feeling terrible about myself because he won’t correct me and I push the brattiness to the point where I walk away not feeling good about my behaviour. Who’s responsibility is it to not let it get to that point? Part of me feels like it’s my fault for allowing myself to let it get that far. The other part of me feels like if he was more corrective and authoritative, it wouldn’t be a problem and I would settle down easily. I might be even more satisfied with the relationship.
How do I fix this?
A: Let me start by asking, have you had a conversation with your Dominant about what’s going on with you? Because if he hasn’t figured it out, there’s a chance that he’ll take longer to figure it out than you’re willing to wait for. Or worse yet, he may never figure it out at all. As I’m fond of telling submissives, while intuitive to varying extents, Dominants are NOT mind readers. Communication is ALWAYS a key factor in ANY relationship.
Having said this, this is NOT A BLOODY EXCUSE for your Dominant to not be proactive in trying to see what may be going on with you. Because well, he’s supposed to care about you, right? Moving on…
You mentioned your Dominant claims to have a ‘positive soft approach’ to training you. Now, while this can work, it only works with certain types of people — which you seem to be. There are a lot of things to consider when taking this approach to training a submissive, or any approach for that matter, but it’s beyond the scope of this article.
However, what I HAVE noticed though, is that as of late, people who take this ‘approach’ to training are just plain fucking lazy, or worse yet, have NO SODDING CLUE as to what they’re doing — usually because of a lack of training themselves. I will admit, I have a similar method of training my submissives. But as I said before, this is VERY person-specific.
Wanting to be reminded of your place with your Dominant via being ‘corrected’ is a really good trait in my opinion, as well as your feeling bad about the way you behave when acting out. These are both indicative of your being a submissive – which is a good thing, believe it or not.
As far as whose responsibility it is to not let your behaviour get to the point of your feeling that way, I’m pretty sure that you probably figured out that it’s the responsibility of your Dominant. He chose to take on that responsibility over you when you became his. And if he’s not being responsible in this – which is a basic fucking thing that any DOMINANT should want from what I’ve been taught – then he’s NEVER going to do it, and you should cut your losses before you end up in a mental/emotional state that you don’t want to be in.
Ultimately, it’s not your place to ‘fix’ anything — it’s his. All you’re supposed to do is make sure that you’re behaving in a manner that befits a submissive, after giving control to your Dominant. It’s your Dominant’s job to take the reigns you’ve given him and continue to be worthy of said control.
One thing you may want to consider, is that maybe the ‘ideal he’s training you for’ — is to be bratty. It’s not my thing, but hey, it’s a wacky fucking world. And from what I can tell, it’s not YOUR thing, either.
Look, you’ve to let your Dominant know what’s going on with you, because it seems like there was a discussion of sorts that you two didn’t have when you got together, and the way he’s doing things clearly isn’t working in a way that’s helping you to grow as a submissive. And if he is unwilling to listen, or modify his ‘training methods’, then like I said, you should cut your losses. It’ll sting a bit, but you’ll be better off.
I hope this helps.
I really don’t understand the indignation toward the dominant in this reply. It seems like there is a very real possibility the dominant has no idea any of this is going on at all, and the response here appears to imply the dominant is “sitting down on the job” or shirking his responsibilities. And this is -after- pointing out that dominants are not mind readers.
He may think this is an extension of who the submissive is and think they are getting bolder as they grow and become more comfortable with him and under him. What the submissive is viewing as problematic behavior may very well not be seen as problematic to this dominant. This is not a matter of a dominant not being proactive — it’s a matter of a submissive not communicating with their dominant.
It’s their responsibility to do so, and ultimately they are an adult and so it is their responsibility to have not let things get to this point. Whether by bringing the issue to their dominant’s attention, or terminating the relationship. This issue exists in part because the submissive has been tight-lipped. I personally believe that is obvious given all the submissive has revealed here (which appears to be more than they have expressed to their dominant.)