I was recently sent a question that asked, ‘Does free will exist in BDSM relationships? How does it work if you’re supposed to give up control to the Dominant? Also, does being in BDSM means the Dominant rapes and tortures the submissive?’ Yes, I know this is technically three questions, so shut up.
Anyway, I thought it was worth my taking a stab at answering it, because there might be some of you that have had similar questions about free will and control within a BDSM relationship. So, let’s get started.
Does Free Will Exist in BDSM Relationships?
Free will most certainly exists in BDSM dynamics (relationships). A submissive or slave does NOT give up thinking or reasoning, and become mindless. This is the biggest misconception of how s-types work. Giving up control and giving up free will, aren’t necessarily synonymous, as you can give up one without giving up the other.
Just to be clear, the control thing really only applies to submissives, as the rules surrounding the control of slaves is a lot different. And before you ask, no, I will not be discussing any of those rules.
To continue, in a D/s or M/s dynamic, submissives or slaves may seem to give up their free will to their Dominant or Master, but the opposite is actually occurring, as submissives and slaves enter into the relationships of their own free will. They are strongly exercising their free will in choosing something and someone they want to give up control to, in addition to giving their dedication and loyalty to. If you think about it, by someone giving up free will, they’re actually exercising free will. Trippy, right?
I’m just going to let that sink in. Moving on…
Rape, Torture, and Pillaging? Oh My.
Regarding the whole rape and torture thing, two of the biggest things about BDSM are trust and consent. Say it with me: TRUST and CONSENT. A Dominant partner can’t simply do whatever they want to a submissive or slave outside of this, just because they’re feeling their fucking Weetaflakes, whilst wearing their big-boy domly pants.
You will hear the words consent and trust a lot from people in this lifestyle. And I should add that no dynamic should start without these things in place, because if it doesn’t, I GUARANTEE that the relationship won’t last long. One more thing: A submissive should ONLY put their trust in their Dominant after they’ve EARNED it, with the devout understanding that their partner won’t do anything to sabotage this trust.
With this said, nothing happens (or should happen) in any dynamic, or any play sessions within it, without being discussed a LOT beforehand. This includes parameters, safe words, etc. Again, the submissive should only do this if there is a trust that the Dominant will abide by those things. Understanding this, anyone being ‘raped’ or ‘tortured’ in a BDSM dynamic have (or should have) requested this, likely because it’s a turn-on for them.
Remember, Submission is an Earned Thing
It should be understood that no submissive should give their submission to just anyone that comes along that claims to be a Dominant. I’ve talked about submissive frenzy in other articles, and I’ll mention it again here. It is a VERY real thing, and may (read: WILL) cause any submissive a fuck-ton of headache if they fall prey to it. So understand that there is absolutely NO rush to hop into a dynamic with anyone, and calm the fuck down. If the Dominant in question if worth your time, they’ll earn your submission.
Okay, that’s all from me. I hope this helps.
