A lot of people have been in, or are currently in an abusive relationship. However, abuse isn’t always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called names or cussed out.
In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You feel like you’re drowning in quicksand, clawing for air with no real way out. No matter what you do, nothing ever seems to make the other person happy, and they make you feel even worse when there is no recognition for the things that you do. As the relationship continues, you begin to feel that something isn’t right. Rather than listening to your intuition, you continue to stay with this person.
In Case You Didn’t Know
In case you didn’t already know, this is called emotional abuse — also known as mental or psychological abuse. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more involved in the relationship. It’s a horrible feeling, especially when you’ve invested a long amount of time with the other person.
A lot of people new to the world of BDSM don’t have the education and/or experience to tell the difference of what’s considered normal and what is abuse in this lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you identify as a Dominant or submissive, it can happen (Yes, even new Dominants can have their emotions twisted from an experienced submissive).
Being in a relationship with an abusive person can lead to feeling loss of self, doubt in your abilities as a Dominant or if you’re truly a submissive, and make you become more and more withdrawn. And don’t get me started about the mental and physical damage that you could face, including insomnia, weight gain, stomach ulcers and PTSD — all of which could possibly plague you for the rest of your life.
Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Here are some signs to watch for, if you think that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:
- Humiliating or Embarrassing you
- Constant put-downs
- Hypercriticism
- Refusing to communicate
- Ignoring or excluding you
- Extramarital affairs
- Provocative behaviour with the opposite sex
- Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice
- Unreasonable jealousy
- Extreme moodiness
- Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you
- Saying ‘I love you but…’
- Domination and control
- Withdrawal of affection
- Guilt trips
- Making everything your fault
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Using money to control
- Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her
- Threatening to commit suicide if you leave
Remember, It’s Not Your Fault
It’s important to remember that psychological abuse is absolutely not your fault. Even though you may love this person, I want you to know that they don’t love you or respect you — at all.
These people are expert manipulators with a definite skill for making you believe that the way you’re being treated is somehow your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and use those insecurities against you. Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private it’s a different story, which is also mind-boggling.
If you’re reading this and the words are resonating with you, you need to understand that your relationship is probably not going to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change and unfortunately, this is rarely the case.
In Conclusion
If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get out — with professional help, if needed. Sometimes the first step in leaving these people is getting counselling just to rebuild your esteem so that you can leave.
I can almost guarantee you that you’ll get over this person over time if you get the hell away from them. You will be making the right decision.
I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. I thought I was really in love with the other person and all they did was kept me away from anything that wasn’t about them, and made me feel like I didn’t matter to them at all. Thank you for this post. I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one. I just wish I had gotten out of it alot sooner.
I think that all BDSM relationship types are trying to explore their boundaries and desires, but it’s not always easy to tell when lines are crossed, especially because everyone is into different things. And everyone has different emotional triggers and boundaries. Thank you for writing this!
Dear All, It is amazing having an article like this to help us begginers.
I am just a newbie. I have talked to many Doms and believe me, even with all researches Ive made, my instinct and intuiton saved me more than anything else.
I met one Dom which seemed to be the right one, but at that time I wasnt ready indeed. He was the first person Ive talked. Then I met some other, thats why the first one seemed to be a good reference, once the other behaved completely different. One which I spoke for less than 3 minutes forced me to call him My Master and forced me to show up in the cam. His attitude made me feel unsafe and suspicious. So I refused. Right after he threatened me saying that he as going to post our conversations into a website. I obviously ranway.
Now, I´ve started to build a relation ship with a Dom completely different from what Ive been seem. He is kind, seems to be interested on my issues, caring, gives me attention, well educated, loving and didnt force anything. He keeps building up the relation day by day. Even though I understand that it takes and Im willing to get to know him better.
Any tips of what I should consider safe before getting into our first online session?
I need advice quick. I’m in a lesbian relationship, my partner treats me like I’m worthless and I’m not good enough, always calling me names, putting me down, constantly saying I’m cheating when I’m not.
If I don’t do it her way it’s the highway, if I don’t come and have sex with her in a certain time frame she says she’s gonna sex with someone else, shows hardly any affection towards me.
I always have to go to her, doesn’t really care about my feelings at all. I need advice.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through something like this. My advice to you is to realise that your partner is apparently out of their fucking mind, and distance yourself from it as quickly as humanly possible. Everything that you said screams abuse, and I’m pretty sure you know that.
I applaud you for sticking around as long as you have, but you honestly need to go.