So you just found out that your partner is a masochist, hm? Not sure of what to do with that? Well, you should be happy to know that dating a masochist isn’t as difficult to manoeuvre as you might think. With this said, I’m going to try and help you out a bit. So, let’s get started.
Masochists like Vanilla Sex, but…
To start, though they may perfectly well enjoy vanilla sex, if your partner doesn’t get their regular dose of pain, they’ll likely get restless or antsy. If anything, they’ll definitely become irritable as hell, or bored altogether. The same can be said about sadists, actually.
The thing you have to understand is that while vanilla sex is a good thing all by itself, or a great thing depending on who’s doing it, it’s not all that your partner is looking for. They would only be able to hold out for long before they start to realise that you might not necessarily satisfy that need of theirs.
Because quite frankly, while sex is a great thing, that’s not all there is in any relationship. But I’m sure you knew that, yes?
Now, not all masochistic things have to lead to sex. Don’t get me wrong, while it’s a great lead-in, there’s more to it than that. Furthermore, not all masochistic activities have to involve pain. But, I’ll save that for another article.
Communication is Key
Masochism is a wide range of various activities. Receiving pain is the most obvious of things, but in order to be able to make the most of it, you need to know your partner’s limits so that you don’t push the hard ones. So communicating with your partner is not only ideal, it’s a damned requirement.
If they know exactly what they like, ask questions to get an idea of what they’ve done in the past, and follow their direction using those experiences as a guideline of sorts. Better yet, you can use a ‘Yes/No/Maybe’ list. I happen to have one of those available, actually.
You can find it by clicking here. Yes, this was a shameless plug.
Bringing the Pain and Safewording
Armed with your newfound knowledge of what your partner is into, you need to find out where their tolerance lies. If they have a high pain tolerance, but you don’t know where to start, ask them on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest, how much they can take with a particular type of pain on their body for X amount of times. That should give you a pretty good starting gauge to work with.
Before I go much further, I’ve to let know that you really need to talk about safe words. Some masochists, though they may like it rough, want to say stop but want you to ignore it and keep going. This is really dangerous unless you agree on a couple of safe words — words that your partner will use to let you know where they are physically while you’re getting your sexy on. I’ve traditionally used the ‘light system,’ with yellow meaning to ‘slow down’ or ‘stop doing that dodgy thing you’re doing’ and red meaning ‘stop everything’, and it’s worked fine so far.
I wrote an article a while back about some good safewords to use. You might want to check it out. You’ve to enforce the use of those safe words. No matter how hot and heavy, or ‘lost in the moment’ you become, there’s absolutely no excuse not to use them. This is ESPECIALLY true with new partners. You can always dial it back a bit once you know each other better, play-wise.
In Conclusion
To sum this all up, masochists need to be hurt. There is no way around it. The pain that they need to feel is a large part of who they are, and if that desire isn’t being satisfied, they are going to look elsewhere to have that need fulfilled.
Even if they don’t look elsewhere, they will most likely start to resent you, and your relationship is likely going to sour because they’re bored with you.
So if they’re looking to, and wanting this from you, then while you’ve a green light (see what I did there?), exercise the opportunity to do so. Have fun!
