Believe it or not, not everyone is capable of being a submissive. It is even possible that you are not really cut out for it. We all have different thresholds for what we can and can’t do, but realising you can’t be submissive isn’t the end of the world. So how do you know if you’re cut out to be a submissive or not?
First, let me say that the type of submissive I’m talking about here is a relationship submissive; someone who is subordinate in everyday things. A bedroom submissive or a kinky bottom is something entirely different. Anyone can be a bottom for a short period of time. You can be submissive for weekends or set amounts of time. I’m not going to cover this form of submission in this article.
What I am going to cover is submission on a personality or character level. Most of you are going to either agree or disagree with this, but you’ve already gotten this far, so you might as well keep reading, right? People develop specific personality traits, that then define if they can be submissive or not. There are a few personality traits, however, that don’t lend themselves to being a vital part of submission and can in fact cause a lot of tension in the relationship. If these can’t be curbed, it’s likely you’re not cut out to be a submissive.
POOR SUBMISSIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS
- Selfishness and Self-importance
- Domineering Behaviour
- Manipulative
- Brattiness(!)
So with these said, let’s get started, yes?
On being a selfish submissive
Selfishness is a very damaging trait to have when you are trying to be submissive. Most new and/or untrained submissives tell themselves that they won’t submit unless they get something in return. I had a submissive who was like this, and it got to the point that she wouldn’t want to play unless she was getting an orgasm or something like that. She was being selfish, and made her needs and desires more important than mine.
Now, had she started seeing things as giving more, she would have actually been rewarded more often.
On Domineering Behaviour
As far as domineering behaviour is concerned, I know — just like every other Dominant knows — that no one is perfect. If you are constantly fighting for control then you will never submit. You should submit because it fulfils a need in you to do so, like an ache that just won’t go away. Submission includes surrendering to your Dominant, accepting that they know what’s best for you, and will care for you. Keep these things in mind, and over time, your domineering behaviour will begin to dissolve.
On being a manipulative submissive
Being manipulative is right up there with domineering behaviour. And for most, if not all Dominants, it’s annoying as hell. Forcing someone to do something they wouldn’t do, or pushing so hard that they give in is not going to allow you to submit. I’ve heard some submissives say that they are just being persuasive, and that their Dominant doesn’t mind. I’m willing to bet that if I asked their Dominants, they would say otherwise. Listen, Dominants DO NOT want a submissive that tries to maintain control or bend their will. It’s counter-productive to the power exchange that is the cornerstone of a D/s relationship.
On being a bratty submissive
And finally, I’d like to talk about being bratty. I put an exclamation point up there because there is a caveat to this point. A lot of submissives and Dominants alike say that being bratty is okay in a relationship. It’s just considered playful fun in other partnerships. Now, I’m not against a little playful fun, but being bratty and being playful are completely different things. A brat is never welcome in a submissive. I consider bratty behaviour to be a childish attempt to manipulate the situation. At some point, you may have seen submissives act in a way that makes you shake your head, wondering why they are submissive or why the Dominant doesn’t clock them one. It’s just bad form, and makes the Dominant look bad to their peers.
However, a real Dominant will always be able to tell the difference between someone being a brat, or simply being a playful submissive. Always.
Why is any of this important to know?
Knowing the traits that are detrimental to a submissive’s relationship and herself can bring about the change that is necessary if submission is your goal. Let’s face the truth; you can change who you are. You are the only person who can, so if submission really is what you want in life you can make the changes necessary.
If you aren’t willing to work on these things and you enter into a D/s relationship you are being misleading to a Dominant in your intentions. How can you submit if you are not going to make the changes necessary to be a submissive worthy of their charge?
Being aware of your non-submissive traits can also help a prospective partner aware of what they are in for. For example, one of my former submissives was straightforward with me about her having a lot of personal changes to go through in order to submit in the way she wanted, and to be able to give what I wanted from her. I told her that was willing to work with her while she made the necessary changes.
Okay, so what now?
You’ve made the first step in seeing if any of these traits are hindering your submission, and causing headaches for both yourself and your partner. Next, you need to start working on changing yourself. While this isn’t an easy process, it’s possible if you really want to work at it. You can buy self-help books if you need them, to help you improve your behaviour and figure out what may be needed to change your attitude. You can also seek professional help, or that of a mentor. Many times having someone else talk to you about your struggle can bring you closer to getting rid of poor behaviour.
If through all this you still can’t shake those feelings of selfishness and manipulative behaviours, or you feel it’s way too much work to do, you have one thing left to admit to yourself — you’re just not cut out to be a submissive.
With all this said, I think I’ve given you enough things to consider whether or not you’re cut out to be a submissive, and as you can see, it’s not a dead end. If you’re willing to work at it, and it’s something you really want, then submission is possible. Good things are never easy to achieve. Just work hard at it and you’ll get there.
Here’s a few things for you to think on:
- What personality traits do you consider poor for a submissive to have that I may have forgotten?
- Do you see yourself in this article? Where are you on your journey?
- Do you agree with the idea that submission can be achieved if you want it bad enough?
Interesting article. I look forward discussing it with you, if that’s ok, next time we see each other.
Thank you for reading! And of course you can discuss it with me. I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have.
This may be more than you want to deal with, but I’m hoping you can/will help me. I’m only hoping for a little advice, or maybe a path to work toward getting on.
I hate to even tell you this, but the first knowledge I ever obtained of bdsm was from 50 Shades (I know, I know, I know…). Since then, I have tried to read some, but it seems that opinions vary greatly, and I need some help. Honestly, I may just be screwed, but I’m hoping not.
In my everyday life, I am dominant, even at home. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years, I have 2 children from a previous marriage and we have 1 child together. I am responsible for almost everything because B is extremely passive, and left to him, I’m pretty sure things just wouldn’t get done. Outside of the home, I’m the same way. If something needs to be done, I do it, I take responsibility for things because that’s just who I am. I am a leader. However, I am TIRED, and I NEED release.
I want to be a submissive at home, even if I’m ultimately responsible for everything else, I want my husband to take the responsibility of ME. I’ve been working to get B to take a more dominant role, and honestly, it’s taken a LONG time, but he IS making some headway, and I’m grateful for that. He has become more stern, and even if he’s just “acting”, recently he’s even gotten angry with me a time or two. Before this, he had NEVER, not ONE time gotten upset with me. Almost 5 years of marriage, and the only one who has ever “fought” has been me, but things are finally beginning to change.
As he is making his changes, I am finding myself wanting to truly submit to him more and more. I want to learn my role better, so I guess my first question is what book(s) would you recommend for me?
My second concern has to do with me being a “brat”. Here’s the thing, once again, B is extremely passive, and there are times the only way I can even get his attention is by bratting a little. I know it’s wrong in this lifestyle, but I don’t know what else to do. Even now, as I’m writing this, he is playing on his PlayStation, it’s around 1p…honestly, I’ll be lucky if he goes to bed at the same time I do tonight. I don’t feel like I’m selfish, and I don’t care that he plays his video games, but at the same time, I do want more attention than he sometimes offers.
Am I wanting too much? Am I totally screwed in all of this? Is there anything I can do?
Thank you for your time.
I want to start this by saying I really like this article. Next, I’m pretty sure I’m a submissive, as in an actual one. Though I didn’t know the correct term, I’ve known (or considered) this about myself since I was 15. I do have a couple of questions since I can’t find anyone else to answer. If you have the time I’d appreciate it if you could answer them. Again, great article. It gave me a lot to think about.
I’d be happy answer your questions, Jay! Is there something specific that you’d like to know?
My biggest question is what traits should a submissive look for when searching for a true dominant? As in someone who won’t endanger him/her and respect their limitations. Secondly, what category would a submissive with trust issues fall under seeing how trust is the baseline in any relationship (even friendship)? And lastly, how would someone go about finding a mentor in the BDSM world?
I’m sorry for asking so many questions and taking so long to reply. If you don’t have an answer that’s fine. I was just wondering.
Thank you for answering some of the things I’ve been pondering, especially where the brats are concerned. I’ve know a few in my circles and they do seem immature and manipulative. Nice to see a different point of view.
I’m a natural sub but am unsure of how to address other Doms not mine. Since I don’t have a Dom to ask I’m respectfully asking you, a mentor.
Thank you
Thanks for reading, Mindi! This is a great question. As far as what you would call a Dominant that isn’t YOURS, you can call them by whatever their name is.
If they elude to, or demand in ANY way that you address them by a title of some sort, they’re likely a pretentious idiot, and you should probably steer clear of them.
Now, there are situations that this would be different, and I’ll be writing more to answer it in an upcoming article. So if you’ve subscribed to my notification emails, you’ll definitely know.
I’ll even do you one better. I’ll personally email you, to let you know.
Wow I so have what it takes to be a submissive. There is something that troubles me though.