When most people new think of BDSM, images of handcuffs, blindfolds and (UGH) Christian Grey might come to mind. But real-life BDSM communities have a lot more going for them, being significantly more diverse and dynamic than fiction would dictate.
Although E.L. James’ series has over the years inspired some couples to move beyond vanilla lovin’ in the bedroom, and has likely been a catalyst for increased sex toy sales, there are still a lot of myths about BDSM, and other misconceptions about this lifestyle out there. And because of this, I’m going to attempt to correct some of the aforementioned myths about BDSM.
Now, if you’ve been part of this lifestyle for a while, this article really isn’t for you, because you should know better. One more thing, I cover a few of these myths in my book, Welcome to the Darkside: A BDSM Primer. You should definitely check it out.
With this said, let’s get started.
Myth #1: Fifty Shades of Grey was the Real Deal
Nope. Not even close. If you mention Fifty Shades of Grey in any BDSM community or online forum, you’ll likely be met with eye rolls and ROFLMAO emojis. The reason none of us are really fans of the book, is because of the way the main character, Christian Grey, totally ignores anything remotely consensual with Anastasia Steele.
In the first book, Christian pretty much forces Anastasia into trying kinky things almost at the start of the relationship, and he’s controlling in other aspects of their relationship. The main idea behind BDSM is that everything is consensual between partners, even though some people totally fuck that up by trying to make it some kind of guideline instead (rookie move). The book gives a picture that, while it steams the nickers of its sexually repressed fans, isn’t anywhere NEAR how it’d be in real life.
For more about the incorrectness of FSoG, check out my podcast episode, Fifty Shades of What the Actual F**k?!
Myth #2: BDSM is a Fetish
Not really, no. Despite what erotica and films may make you believe, BDSM is itself not a fetish. A sexual fetish is actually defined as sexual excitement and gratification from a specific thing instead of intercourse.
However, the relationships in BDSM can involve fetishes, or items and objects that are used in BDSM can be fetishised. So because of this, a lot of people mistake BDSM for a fetish.
Myth #3: BDSM Relationships are Always Kinky
A lot of people believe that BDSM relationships need to have some sort of constant kink element to it, that all parties of the relationship need to be constantly playing and can’t relate to ‘normal love’. They believe that love is found in dealing and receiving pain, or whatever their particular kink practise may be.
This way of thinking is still an ever-present one in a lot of BDSM communities. I’ve found loads of people that believe that there are things that those in BDSM relationships shouldn’t be doing — that vanilla love and practices are both taboo and humiliating — and this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Myth #4: BDSM Isn’t for Virgins
While sex is a part of some BDSM dynamics, this is totally dependent upon the parties involved, and yours doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship if you’re wanting to abstain from sex for any reason.
Your potential partner should respect this, once you let them know that this is one of your limits. If they don’t, cut them loose. I would also suggest letting them know this as soon as possible, so that they can decide whether or not they’re okay with your choice.
Myth #5: People who do BDSM are either Dominant or Submissive
While this is true for those in a Dominant/submissive dynamic (relationship), there are a lot of people in BDSM communities that identify as being a ‘switch,’ which simply means they are open to taking on either the Dominant or submissive role in play sessions, depending on either their mood or their partner’s preference.
Myth #6: Men are Dominant, Women are Submissive
Totally untrue! I’ve found that there are a lot of women that have submissive fantasies, but when it comes down to actually playing, there are loads of men that also want to take that role.
Speaking from experience, as I had to act as a submissive for a time, I’ll proudly say that it’s not my thing — as a matter of fact, I fucking hated it. However, I know a LOT of men who would gladly fall under a Dominatrix.
Myth #7: A Dominatrix Hates Men
I don’t think this is true for most Dominatrixes, to be honest. Because I can’t speak from experience, I asked members of my house that happen to be Dominatrixes, if they hated men—and they all said no.
They agreed that while they enjoy men’s company and feel no hatred for them, dominating someone, whether male or female, was a bloody good feeling for them.
Myth #8: A Person who is Dominant or Submissive in Real Life will Prefer a Similar Role in BDSM
Hell to the fuck no. Like I mentioned in Myth #6, there are a lot of men that identify as submissive, and there are women that identify as a Dominant.
I personally know blokes who act like some sort of chest-thumping alpha male around their workplace and in their relationships, yet love to be walked around on a leash and spanked. I also know a lot of women that seem like pushovers in their everyday life, that are rather adept at the aforementioned spanking.
Myth #9: BDSM is Dangerous
Only if you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. Conversations about consent and safety are the norm in the BDSM community, not the exception. In fact, that’s something that you can’t necessarily say for vanilla sex, which doesn’t always begin by outlining boundaries. The single most unsafe sex is not BDSM but unprotected sex.
Myth #10: BDSM Techniques are Always Painful
Again, only if you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. And furthermore, BDSM doesn’t only mean hurting someone, geez. There is SO much more to it than that. BDSM can be light and erotic, involve role-playing, various fetishes, or other types of fantasies. Seriously, you can play for hours without causing or receiving pain.
Myth #11: BDSM is All About Whips and Chains
It can be, if that’s your bag. Just like vanilla (non-kinky) sex, preferences are totally dependent upon the individuals involved.
These preferences can range from simple things like using silk scarves as blindfolds, light spanking, to more extreme things, like needle play, erotic electrostimulation, and other types of play.
In Conclusion
Well, I hope this article clears up some of the myths about BDSM you may have heard, and helped you learn a bit more about this lifestyle. While these are most certainly not all of the myths about BDSM that exist, these are the most common misconceptions that I’ve received questions about, have heard asked, or have answered over the years.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, if you’ve been part of this lifestyle for a while, this article really isn’t for you. But you should totally share it with newbies, to help them along on their journey.
If there’s something you think I may have missed, let me know in the comments! I’ll probably include it in a future article.
Bravo once again for posting an excellent article.
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I appreciate your compliment! Thank you for reading.😊