A Yes/No/Maybe List? You Should Have One

A lot of people have a level of discomfort or awkwardness when expressing their sexual needs, desires and boundaries. I mentioned in my book that thinking about what you want from this lifestyle before diving into it, is high on my list of importance, because these things can be tricky when you’re first starting out in this lifestyle.

There are lots of ways around this, but I always recommend that those new to BDSM spend some time exploring themselves before seeking partners, whether simply play partners or otherwise.

A good way to go about this is with a yes/no/maybe list. And if you should know anything about me, it would be my love of organisation, and having a good list is definitely a great tool to have.

A Yes/No/Maybe What?

A yes/no/maybe list is an awesome written way to avoid some of the aforementioned discomfort or awkwardness that can come with sexual negotiations, and to find areas of sexual compatibility with a new partner. They can also help people feel confident about the other person’s desire to engage in a specific activity, or a specific activity with them.

Everyone likely has different desires and limits with different partners, so sharing these lists can indeed be a good way to gauge what you want with each other, as much as they are about your general kinks.

Here’s part of the list I typically have my potential partners fill out:

You can also pick up the complete Yes/No/Maybe list by clicking here

To use the list, indicate how interested you are in each activity with a yes/no/maybe, and ask your partner/s to do the same. Then discuss your responses together, which I’ll talk about in a moment.

I’ve Filled Out The List, Now What?

So now, take a look at your list. Use it as a starting point and talk about other sexual activities that are applicable to your own experiences. Try to go beyond a simple yes or no, because… communication is a thing, and the more you know, the less surprised you’ll be later. Especially if they show up with a big black dildo, and you ain’t havin’ it. And a yes/no/maybe list is a great tool to help you identify and set personal boundaries, better preparing you for your next sexual encounter.

In Conclusion

It’s important that you have a solid grasp on who you are, what you want, and what you need, be it with sexual encounters, or within terms of power exchange and kink. Furthermore, discussing your turn-ons, desires and fantasies with partners can be a fun experience.

Yes/no/maybe lists allow you to learn a lot about yourself and your partner/s, which can — and likely will — open the door to more fulfilling, satisfying sexual experiences and relationships.