Submissive Frenzy and Abusive Dominants

I would like to seek advice and to be upfront I am exploring the community so there are a lot of things I still do not know and those in the community were telling me I am in-between a switch and a brat.

I recently met a dom who really threw me off, he was recommend by his ex-sub (if there is such a term) because I told her I wanted to know what is a dom/sub lifestyle and she gave me his number and told me to submit to him. Being naive I did just that and I found myself constantly fighting with him because he does not respect me nor does he show me I can trust him and when I tell him I do not trust him, he would say ‘that’s not your call to make’.

What sparked the last fight was he asked where I was and I told him I was at work and he asked if I asked for permission to go to work which honestly came across as weird. So I told him work is an obligation and I don’t have a choice and his response was ‘you don’t breathe without me telling you right?’ I was shocked, I mean I get you want full control but I did not know it would mean required body control. So we got into a fight and he mentioned that I was a waste of the world resources and I should kill myself.

I would like to know why would he tell me such a thing and are doms even allowed to say such things because I am honestly angered by it and shocked as well.

To start, I’m going to completely ignore the ‘in between a switch and a brat’ thing. Because, well… I think those people probably have no complete idea of what they’re talking about. But that’s a whole different topic, and one that I’ll not be addressing in this article.

With this said, submissive frenzy is a very real thing, and can happen to anyone – especially new submissives. It seems that because you’re wanting to know more about this lifestyle, and what means to be part of it, this might have been what happened to you.

What is submissive frenzy, you ask? Submissive frenzy is the feeling, or rush of overwhelming, consuming desire, to quickly experience things within this lifestyle, often to the point of neglecting all other concerns. Submissive frenzy is a something that affects submissives, both novice and experienced alike. While experienced submissives can learn to recognise when it’s happening to them, most novices are typically oblivious to the symptoms.

Making Mistakes Can Lead to Abusive Dominants

So, I want to point out a couple of mistakes you made here. First, while it’s great that you were recommended to a potential Dominant by someone — especially a former submissive — you’re never (and I mean NEVER) supposed to immediately submit to anyone. This is something that happens with submissive frenzy, however, this is not something that should ever be expected of anyone. In the case of the person that introduced you two, I’ve some thoughts on that, which I’ll get to in a bit.

To continue, I want you to ask yourself a question: You wouldn’t immediately become exclusive in your normal dating life without getting to know the guy first, would you? If you would, then you’ve got WAY bigger problems than I can help you with, and you should seek help, or buy a fucking puppy or something. Nobody needs to be in a relationship that damned much, unless they’re dying.

If you’re in fact dying, then you’ve my sympathies, and Godspeed. Moving on…

A Few Red Flags

No real Dominant is going to try and have you submit to them as soon as you meet them. Just as you should be getting to know them, they should be getting to know you as well. That’s just how relationships fucking work. If they try to get you to submit to them without doing this REALLY basic thing, then just don’t deal with them anymore. Seriously, you’ll be saving yourself a WORLD of headache.

Something that would’ve helped, is if you had asked the ex-submissive why they broke up. While the reason for a submissive leaving their Dominant may never happen to you, it’s still a good thing to put into practice.

However, between you and I (and anyone else reading this), it sounds like this guy uses the ‘ex-submissive’ to find new women. Because no woman with a functioning brain – ESPECIALLY one calling themselves a submissive – would have EVER introduced you two, or told you to immediately submit to him.

Another red flag for you would’ve been when you immediately found yourself fighting with him because of his not respecting you. Respect is a HUGE thing within a relationship, ESPECIALLY a D/s relationship. Saying ‘that’s not your call to make’, is dodgy as hell. This is something that could easily be glossed over with submissive frenzy. Now as far as the whole going to work thing is concerned…

You are a grown fucking woman, you get me? Say it with me… GROWN. FUCKING. WOMAN. You don’t NEED permission to go to work. Take care of YOUR life, because this guy isn’t going to do it for you. Even if he offered to do so, who the hell cares? You’re not a prostitute, and he can go fuck himself.

Although, if you happen to be a prostitute, then forget my last statement. But he can still go fuck himself.

Trust is Always an Earned Thing

Anyway yes, giving control over certain aspects of your life is indeed something that happens in D/s relationships, however, this is something that is to be TALKED ABOUT and NEGOTIATED over a LONG bloody period of time, with someone who has earned your trust. The key phrase here being EARNED YOUR TRUST.

Since it seems that you were having trust issues with this bloke, you shouldn’t be giving him control of your bloody television set, let alone aspects of your life. And furthermore, ‘you don’t breathe without me telling you’ is the single most stupid thing I have ever heard, in my being part of this lifestyle. And I’ve heard some pretty stupid shit, I gotta tell you.

Ultimately, the reason he said this is quite simply… Because he’s a fucking moron. I don’t even have another way of saying it. This guy was a predator – a wannabe dominant, if you will. And you SHOULD be angered, you SHOULD be shocked at his saying these things, because unless being degraded is your thing (and failed to mention it), no one calling themselves a Dominant – especially someone calling themselves YOUR Dominant – should saying any of the things he said to you.

As a matter of fact, even if being degraded IS your thing, that’s not something that should be said to you, just so you know.

In Conclusion

I’m glad that you realise now that you were a bit naïve, likely because of submissive frenzy, and have hopefully learned from it. And with this said, if you’re still involved with this clod, then get the hell away from him – like today. I can almost GUARANTEE that it won’t get any better for you if you stick around. I think you would be a lot better off finding yourself a mentor, or talking to people at a local event, before trying to find a Dominant.

You should check out my article, 20 Signs that you’re In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. You might find it helpful.

Remember, even though submissive frenzy can happen, submission is an earned – and CONSTANTLY earned thing. Be careful of who you’re giving yours to. I hope this helps.