Q: I started speaking with a “dominant”, or so he claimed. Things started off fine, but then I would open up to him or try to learn about him, and he would never let me in, never acknowledge what I said, or how I felt.
I went through three months of trying to get to know him and build trust and a relationship with him, but found myself at the end of the night crying and upset because he would blatantly ignore me and my efforts.
I have now ended things but he continues to contact me telling me that I am not allowed to leave, or that I am currently speaking with a fake dominant because he is taking the time to build my trust and respects me as his submissive.
I am new (four months or so) to BDSM and being a submissive, but this does not sound healthy whatsoever. I am unsure of what to do or if this is even normal. If you could please give me advice on what to do, how to proceed or even what is remotely normal.
A: I’m really sorry to hear that this happened to you. The good thing is, you’re not alone in this. I have heard stories from, and have witnessed more than a few new submissives that have had absolutely horrid experiences with fake Dominants.
You’re absolutely correct, though – this is NOT a normal or healthy thing. I’m glad that you recognise this.
From what I read, you seemed to be doing what you were supposed to do, with getting to know him, which is an excellent thing! However, you two were only just starting to get to know each other (yes, submissives vet Dominants too!), he might not initially open up private things about himself to you. I’m a pretty private person myself, and I keep certain things in my personal life – like my family – away from my submissives. While this may change, it’s definitely not something that I would ever immediately tell someone.
But, no matter if Dominant, submissive, or anything in between, if after three months you still don’t know anything about someone, that should be an indication that something isn’t right and you need to re-evaluate your situation.
Something that might have helped is if you had gotten a reference from one of his former submissives, or someone else in his community. Word of dodgy people gets around quickly, especially in smaller communities. If someone has been part of a community for any amount of time, then at the very least, someone should be able to vouch for their character.
If he couldn’t (or refused to) produce a single reference, that would definitely be a red flag.
You mentioned that you spent three months trying to get to know him, but he would ignore you. This is fucking horrible. Ignoring your partner is a bad thing for ANY relationship, D/s or otherwise. It creates feelings of abandonment in most cases, which is a mental train wreck for anyone.
I’m glad to hear that you finally got away from this bloke. Now regarding his telling you that you aren’t allowed to leave, first of all, you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want to do. If he isn’t a suitable Dominant for you, then you’ve every right to leave. If he didn’t show any respect for your submission to him or your relationship as a whole, then he doesn’t deserve to have you.
Your current Dominant (if I read that right) should step up and let this other clod know that his efforts to contact you are NOT welcome. Kinda comes with the whole ‘being responsible for your submissive’ thing.
With all of this said, my advice to you at this point is:
- Learn from this experience. And don’t beat yourself up over it. Like I said before, it happens. But if you don’t learn from it, it’ll happen (and keep happening) again. Submissive frenzy is a very real (and very dangerous) thing.
- Don’t be so eager to jump into a relationship with anyone — especially if they claim to be a Dominant. Becoming a part of this lifestyle is a marathon, not a sprint. So give yourself time to learn and embrace all that it offers. A Dominant worth your time should understand that, as well.
- If something seems off about someone’s character, don’t be afraid to go with your gut. You may be wrong, and they could be an amazing person, but do you REALLY want to be right and kick yourself for NOT listening to your instincts?
- Don’t be afraid to find a mentor, or ask advice from people in your community that have been part of this lifestyle for a while. It will be more helpful than you believe. You can always ask me questions if you need to.
- Repeat after me: ‘I WILL NOT get into a relationship with a new Dominant.’ ‘I WILL NOT get into a relationship with a new Dominant.”I WILL NOT get into a relationship with a new Dominant…’
In conclusion
I want you to remember this: Submission is an EARNED thing, and and has to constantly BE earned. Your thoughts, feelings and desires are all very important things, and should be acknowledged.
Here are some other articles I’ve written that might help you:
- The Difference Between Being Dominant vs. Domineering
- Mentoring is Good for New Submissives
- Are You Cut Out to be a Submissive?
- 20 Signs that You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
I hope this helps you. Good luck!
Excellent article.
Thank you for reading and for your compliment, Munson! I appreciate it.
“Fake” Dominants are not a thing. Those are called bad Dominant/inconsiderate people.
I’m sorry, but I think that there are fake doms, Miss Selene. I’ve dealt with a few wannabe doms that didn’t know what the hell they were doing. At all. And every time I look at my FL inbox there are always more.
I love this article. He gave a lot insight that made sense to me.
By separating people join insist on behaving badly rather than learning appropriate behaviors into a separate category (i.e. fake) then it leads to the assumption that the ‘real’ Doms are trustworthy people because they observe social expectations rather than discard them. Instead treating people as people with the expectations and caution that goes with it is a better practice.
Imo being a Dom is a personal identity label. I don’t believe you can tell someone that they’re not allowed to identify as a Dom or sub or top or bottom or switch because they don’t fit the criteria you believe someone who fills that role should fit. Would you call someone who identifies as a Submissive a fake because they don’t have any service skills and don’t know what they’re doing? You only ever see arrogant inexperienced individuals who identify a Doms publicly accused of being fake. When in reality, they are either legitimately inexperienced and don’t understand the intricacies of kink social interaction, or shitty people. Either way, examples of bad Doms rather than “fakes”
I disagree. A useful analogy for me was thinking through how some people misuse the word ‘polyamorous’ in order to sleep around. Now, there’s nothing wrong with sleeping around, but the issue is when people say they are polyamorous in order to shirk responsibility over the relationships they have built. Are these people being shitty? Yes, of course. But it goes beyond that. I sincerely believe that words mean things, that each word means something specific; that’s one of the most important attributes of words. But what these people who claim to be ‘polyamorous’ or ‘Dominant’ are doing, besides being shitty people, is using the word ‘polyamorous’ or ‘Dominant’ as a tool to help them hurt people. Words, in this case, cease to mean what they mean. They become lures for abusers. Even if it were the case that if the person were in another point in their life, or if the person were in a different mindset, that they actually would be ‘polyamorous’ or ‘Dominant,’ the fact is that in the moment, they are not being true to the meaning of the word. They are being purposely deceptive, maliciously fake.
As for what words mean, social convention is, I think, a very important part of it. I would consider it a red flag if someone came up to me to say, “Oh yes, I’m a Dominant” even when nobody else in the community who knew them would consider them such. To me, that smells like someone using the word, maybe liking the idea of the word and the power it can lend them, without being aware of the responsibilities also associated with the title. It smells of someone who read “50 Shades of Grey;” thought Grey was a strong, powerful guy who knew how to handle a woman; and didn’t recognize all the ways in which Grey was an abusive prick. It smells to me of a lack of self-awareness, a lack of information about what a Dominant is, or malice; none of these are things a submissive wants in a Dominant. It is difficult to figure out what criteria should be met in order for someone to be considered a Dominant or submissive or anything else, but words need to mean things, otherwise they can easily become sites for confusion and abuse. This is especially the case with BDSM due to its popularization.
Miss selene, I’m a male submissive and I take it very serious. It has to be real. I can tell when a woman is faking being dominant and it’s no fun at all. A fake one does what she thinks we want and who can’t tell when she not really in to it. Truly dominant women are hard to find. I want a real one more than anything and I’m at a point in my life that I’m ready in every way.